Today.

Two of my fertility-challeged friends are pregnant.  I should mention that I only have two fertility-challenged friends.  I'm trying to be upbeat and supportive when I'm around them.  I ask about what they're going through and confirm that what they're feeling is absolutely normal.  Sometimes this is much harder than others.  Today, one of my friends told me she saw her baby's heartbeat.  She's been trying for years and years and after three IUI's and one IVF, and I can't think of anyone that I think deserves to see that heartbeat more.  I was happy and so very jealous.  And I wanted to cry.  Instead, I asked if she could tell me what it is like.  Maybe one day I'll know.  The ovulation test was positive two days ago.  Here's to hope...

The Past

I've had four miscarriages.  One with my first husband in my early twenties and three with my second, and awesome husband.  We're talking about trying again, but I haven't been very serious about it, I guess because I'm scared.  I want a baby so badly, but as much as I try not to care or think about the obstacles we face, I simply can't. 

I'm hoping that writing where I've been, what I'm going through and where I hope to one day be will be therapeutic for me.  And maybe someone else.